Seraphina: A Layout for Our Lost Little Angel

This layout was really hard for me, yet I knew it had to be done. It wasn't the layout itself that was hard, but the subject matter. This ultrasound picture is not the happy picture you stick up on your fridge as you count down the days until your due date. This ultrasound was taken after a trip to the emergency room to find out that they couldn't find a heartbeat.

I talk more about our losses in my very first blog post: A Story of Loss and Hope. Thanks to God, I now have a beautiful son, but before him, there were three others who went home before we got to meet them.

While I didn't put this ultrasound pic up on the fridge, I did feel the need to somehow acknowledge that there had been a life lost before it even had a chance to begin. So, this layout was a bit of a catharsis, I suppose.

I was about halfway through my pregnancy, and two days shy of the mid-pregnancy ultrasound when we would finally get to see the baby!

We had heard the heartbeat at our checkup only a couple weeks before, but when I began bleeding one evening in September, I knew it wasn't good even before they took this ultrasound picture to tell us what we already knew: that we had lost our third baby.

Being so far along, my doctor had literally said that there was nothing to worry about at this point. The chances of losing a baby at that stage were so slim he pretty much guaranteed all would be well.

But though the chances are slim, there is still that small percent of women who DO miscarry at that stage...and I was one of them.

We didn't have a name picked out yet, so I called her Seraphina, named for the highest of the angels, where I am sure she is.

To say it's devastating to lose a baby before you even get the chance to meet her is an understatement, but I have to believe God has a plan for her, and for us, and at the time he wanted us to be a family of two. He must have known how special this little girl already was, because he wanted her home with him right away. But it's hard to accept that when you are so thrilled to finally have made it through the first trimester, and dove well into the second.

Having suffered losses before, I had begun to let my guard down as the weeks went by. And it's hard to accept God's plan when you are looking at an ultrasound monitor that shows no heartbeat. When you are rubbing your belly and there is a dead baby inside. It's hard to accept His plan when you are crying on your mom's shoulder, sobbing that it's not fair.

I had been hoarding saving these fabric rosettes for something special, so of course I had to use them for this layout.

I used the birds as a sort of representation of flying home to Heaven. If you noticed in one of the pictures above, there is a bird in a cage. Then there is this bird flying free. Sort of like the spirit leaving the body to soar free from the burdens of this world.

As you can see, I used all kinds of flowers for this layout. I really liked how these rolled flowers turned out... Except I just saw something I never noticed before.

I think perhaps I was feeling a little too "motherly", if you see what I mean. If not, moving on...

{I try to keep my sense of humor, even after have to believe life does go on and someday you'll find peace and happiness and the journey may have been hard but worth it to reach that point}

The journal spot reads "God's newest little Angel. We'll meet you some day."

And, in keeping this post non-depressing...are you guys seeing boobs now too?

There we go, from this angle...well, anyway. The pink flower was also hand-dyed using some Prima natural botanicals. I love how the color turned out, and it was of course perfect for this layout. I just wish I would have used a better center, instead of the glitter glue. I have so many flower centers... {why, former me, why?}

Here again, the butterfly, like the birds, seemed to represent rising as if toward Heaven. A sad memory, but one that is part of my story and must be remembered. Sadness makes our happy that much sweeter, though, doesn't it?

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