365 Days Later: Coming Home With Baby

Dear Zae,

You turned a year old and I can't believe it! Time has flown by in a haze of happiness. I can't believe it was over a year ago we were taking birthing classes and counting down the days of summer like they would never {yes, never, when you're talking about hauling around a bowling ball that sits on your bladder and sprouts feet for the express purpose of kicking your ribs} end.

Now I have to pause and take a breath as they fly past so fast I feel like I'm frantically trying to run around and catch them in my little butterfly net, even as another one flies by. I am still in disbelief that it was a whole year ago that, after patiently waiting for 11 days post-due-date, you were finally born into our world and lit up our lives after so much loss and heartache.

Waiting for you as others around us grew their own families...it's hard to explain those feelings unless you've been there. What was wrong with me? I knew I could be an awesome mom...I knew I could love a child the way all children should be loved. At times I questioned God's plan. How could there be mothers out there who throw their babies into trash bins, and I was childless? I'd shed so many tears waiting for you. On the day you made me a mama, my tears were of happiness.

The day we brought you home was an absolutely stunning September evening. The air was the perfect mix of warmth and golden sunshine. The trees were just starting to hint at the changing season. The birds were singing. Butterflies wafted on the wind...seventeen rainbows flashed across the sky. {that might possibly, maybe, just be how I remember it...} We couldn't have had a more beautiful day.

And apparently, you hated it.

Your first car ride was one long screaming session. I don't think I had even heard you cry until then! You came out of the womb kicked back with your feet crossed and your hands behind your head, totally chill.

{and I am not even exaggerating...much. Your hands were actually on the sides of your head, but being that you were only 4 minutes old I gave you the benefit of the doubt that that's what you were going for}

Because of insurance issues (most insurances no longer cover circumcision except under certain very specific circumstances, and it costs around a thousand bucks), you weren't circumcised until a couple of hours before we brought you home. I could see where that could make a boy a bit cranky. I'm not judging. Just sayin'.

In the sake of full disclosure, this was actually your second car ride. I would have had to choose colors in pink and red to match the color of your squalling face if I was going to scrap a picture of THAT precious little moment. I'll let it live on in my mind's eye and instead enjoy the peaceful {though somewhat perturbed by the sunlight} expression on your face after your first car ride to the park instead.

They didn't have a sticker for that.

I made this circle flower years ago, before I had punches or much of a stash. It's got the perfect amount of cute in it for a baby layout. It's got a pink button, but by now it's evident that half of Zae's layouts are going to have pink in them. {whattayado?}

"Baby's First Car Ride"... Lies... I should have made a little note underneath that said [to the park]. I feel like I'm lying to my child {and all of you!}

Butterflies for my boy. Why not? Especially glitter ones. Oh, and crystals. Of course, crystals.

Happy birthday, Zae! You can not begin to comprehend the love I have for you, how proud I am of you, and how wonderful you have made our lives. 

Love, Mama


  1. My heart is just swelling with emotion right now. So poignant and honest and bursting with love. What a beautiful tribute to your beautiful boy and to you, his beautiful and creative Mama. Keep that net out to catch those memories, Carrie, because they begin to fly even faster as time rolls on. You are a precious one...my friend.


Thanks for all your kind comments!